Ways to get the Job You Want - Take 6
A Torchwood fanfiction; Ianto's PoV on his 'Fragments'-story
Time to catch a pterodactyl!
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While watching Jack fussing around this car – which seemed to have much greater capacities than it would have seemed at first sight – pulling one unnecessary thing after another out f its back I couldn’t help but marvel at the highest concentration of organized chaos that ever happened to cross my path

Is it just me or do you agree that catching nets are a slightly unorthodox storing place for syringes?
Well, ten points out of ten for creativity and originality but none for poor execution.

As the net was too small for my girl we had to fumble one of the syringes out of the net.
Okay, I didn’t. He had to.
Apparently he didn’t trust me with around his equipment. Yet.
I’m actually pretty good at fumbling certain things out of others, but that’s one of those qualities of me Jack didn’t get to see until a few months later. If you’d ask him now I’m sure he would agree.
Well… His loss, not mine.

I have to admit that I panicked a little when I watched Jack pulling that huge syringe out of the back of the SUV.
Oh come on don’t tell me you don’t get shivers running down your spine at the sight of a ten centimetre long needle.
Bad shivers, not the good ones.
And the needle was the reason.
Definitely the needle, nothing else.
Nothing in his body language implied that he was going to prick me with anything in near future so I relaxed a little. But not too much.

Thankfully his sedatives were a little bit more reasonably arranged which meant easy access and safely stashed into a case far, far out of reach from little children… and the evil nets.

"Okay, that is the only special equipment you've got?"

I have to admit that I was a little bit taken aback by the obvious lack of practical equipment.

"Yeah. ‘Cause I keep dinosaur nuts in the back of the SUV."

He was obviously more than annoyed by my remark and tried less successfully to hide it.
But hey, Torchwood Cardiff. Old branch. Victorian branch.
Victorian. Over 200 years on this freaking rift and no dinosaur specific equipment?
I’m seriously shocked by your defective field equipment Captain Harkness.

"Torchwood London would have..."

An annoyed eye roll and a slightly intimidating wave with the syringe was everything I got and off he ran again. Full action hero mode. Terrifying how easily Jack slips into it but it kind of fits him like a second glove…or suit.

Door slams open and the dashing hero enters the site, followed by his slightly baffled knave…or in other words… me. What neither of us expected was the big mass of dinosaur flapping towards us as soon as we set foot into the warehouse. Forty pounds of food! I hoped that would have put her off eating me.
Seems I was mistaken.

Our heroes retreat the scene. Loosing a little bit of dignity by doing it less gracefully than they entered maybe but in one bit and shoulder to shoulder we fought for our breaths. We leaned against the ancient metal door that gave us probably as much shelter as cardboard. I don’t know whether you noticed yet but there is nothing on this world that looks as ancient as withered and rusty steel doors. It hadn’t held a minute if Myfanwy had decided to break through it but at least it gave us this warm and fuzzy feeling of false safety. Or maybe it was just me who was feeling...

"How did you find it?"

No, no I was definitely not attracted to him.

"Rift Activity Locator."

Showing off with my gizmos to him I felt a little like a schoolboy presenting his shiny mobile to the coolest kid in class, waiting for his approval. Not without a tiny bit of smugness of course.

"Torchwood London."

Ha! He was impressed.
Torrents of steaming air left our half opened lips in pants and the adrenaline in my bloodstream was enough to reanimate a comatose cow…I doubt that it was any different with him.

"See, quality kit."

All the adrenaline.
It was kind of hard to concentrate on my breathing with all this cold sweat running down my forehead.

"Yeah, it's quite excitable."

God This…gorgeous… mind… blasting… smell…
Concentrate Ianto!

"Must be the aftershave."

Now that would be something guys would buy. We even have a slogan.
A Whiff Of Jack… The fragrance that even lures dinosaurs.
Forget ‘The Axe Effect’, it’s the Jack effect that makes the weirdest things happen.
If we could bottle him we would make lots of money and I bet he wouldn’t mind being shoved under manly armpits every day. On the other hand… I prefer solid Jack over the liquid variant.

"Never wear any."

Gives you more to grip on.

"You smell like that naturally?"
"51st century pheromones..."

Oh these bloody hormones.
I never tested the correlation between Myfanwy’s reaction and Jack’s growing state of excitement.
But the thought of her being influenced by his pheromones is slightly unsettling…

"People have no idea. Ready for another go?"

It would explain a lot of things though.

"I'm game if you are."

I’m game if you are
That was just professionalism in its purest form.
Let’s grab the cushions and have a pillow fight!
No what am I saying? Let’s defend Myfanwy in a pillow fight!
Thankfully he didn’t seem to have noticed it. At least I hoped so.

"Okay. Three, two, one..."

No time to mentally head-butt the wall.
We had a dinosaur to catch.

And off he swished in action man style and there my girl came flying again.

“Waaaaaaaaaargh”

I actually take the credit of frightening her with my manly voice while we circled her…kind of.
It was a manly battle cry; I’ll dig in my heels on that.
Okay, we dodged her attack and my feet ran before my brain realized that I was running.
This was of course shortly before it realized that Jack was at the other side of the hall.
I like to think that he shrieked like a little girl. Unfortunately the high-pitched-ness of my very own battle call kind of prevented me from observing his audible reaction to over two hundred pounds of flapping dinosaur…
All I got were the visuals and they showed me the fact that he ran as well, obviously.

Through all the adrenaline I didn’t really notice her landing or anything. As I already mentioned I was the reason for her landing of course and not a random pteranodon whim. Maybe she was just bored of flying around.
I think I only stopped roaring my very soul out into the warehouse when Jack shooshed me.

“Shh. Shh. Shh,”

Not really helping to ignore Jack’s lips.
Not that I had a reason to ignore his lips.
Or his low, rumbling chuckle…

"We’re not gonna harm you. You can't stay here. Come back with me.”

There’s no way to ignore it anyway.
Is it just me or does this sound like a twisted pick up line for a threesome?
Seriously, I can handle a few scratches but giant beak?
Oh no, not with me mister.

“I've got somewhere nice and big…”

Somewhere not something.
Somewhere. Somewhere. SOMEWHERE!
Trying really hard not to burst into song singing “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” I shifted my attention back to the two life-forms in front of me.
…Nice rear… but those trousers deffo needed a nice soak in warm soapy water…

“…where you can fly around."

Bad mental image! Absolutely not helping to concentrate. Trousers. Not trousers including owner.

"Okay, so you let the pterodactyl in but not me?"

Justified dismay is much better!
And back comes the evil hand. Hello old friend, where have you been?
The only thing that missed now was a plush kangaroo hopping around the corner and my trip back into adolescence would have been perfect. Jack didn’t seem to like the way I grabbed him back then.

He does enjoy a firm grasp from time to time though…
I guess it always depends on the context.
Even for someone like Jack… but this doesn’t belong here.

"I need a guard dog."

Woof!

"I could be that.”
Well, except for the tail waggling and the collar.

“A receptionist?”

Would have been an improvement from guard dog.
No leash.

“Building maintenance?”

If I had known back then… I should have never offered him that.
Even if being the janitor does have its advantages.
Like having all the keys to every room. Oh the stories I could tell you…

“Food and drink?”

Again, an offer that was taken much too literally but…oh well…
I was the one who brought it up in the first place and I was the one who was going stick it out.
I love coffee after all.

“Dry cleaning even?”
From what I saw he would need it.
Tearing my eyes away from his shirt took me superhuman efforts
.
“That coat of yours must take a battering.”

Housewife and Dry Cleaner’s how much worse could it get?

“Like a butler, I could be a butler!"

Well, I guess this answers my question.
Give me a frock and call me Alfred.
Hopefully he would let me dust the Bat Mobile once he (hopefully) let me into the Bat Cave

"We don't need a butler!"

My superior spidey senses tell me he didn’t like my proposal.
Bollocks.
I knew I should have fallen onto my knees.
Where are the corny fiddlers when you really need them?
Not in abandoned warehouses as it seems.
Shame.

"Excuse me.”

And here I dragged him again.
Just for the dramatic effect of course
Rule number one of argumentation: You can’t persuade someone who doesn’t pay at least most of his attention to you. Maybe I took the ‘drawing’-bit a little too literally.

“Dried egg on your collar."

Swaying on his collar with every movement he made.
Kind of hypnotizing.

"It was a busy week!"

I seemed to have hit a nerve with this comment as he struggled to get free.
Either that or he was just annoyed at this youngster who currently held a firm grip on his arm.
My luck that he seemed to underestimate the strength of my steely grasp.

"What exactly is your plan?" With a rapid movement he yanked himself free.
"I'm gonna be the decoy."

Lo and behold the strategic genius in this plan.

"And it won’t rip you to shreds?"

Suggesting that Jack’s plans usually tend to be on the risky side when it comes to himself is a little bit like suggesting that he tends to be a little on the flashier side. Big understatement. There just aren’t enough eyes to roll at his completely mad plans.

"Dinosaurs?”

Obligatory heroic laugh? Check.
Shiny teeth? Double check.

“Huh. Had them for breakfast. Had to. Only source of food protein after the asteroid crashed..."

Confused Ianto?
Hell yes.

"...Long story."

He still didn’t tell me by the way. I wonder how dinosaur omelette tastes.
Myfanwy doesn’t lay eggs, guess she’s just not in the mood.
He gave me the syringe.

"Here you go.”

And inwardly I was thrilled to have finally earned his trust.
Well, at least enough trust to be entrusted with the big needle and the sedative.
This was the moment when a different Plan formed inside of my head.

“One injection to the central nervous cortex. I'll keep it occupied."

Ram a monstrous needle into my girl’s brain?

"Move."

I don’t think so. I did enjoy his amicable pat though… a little.

"No."

You should have seen his face. Priceless.
But who would you remember?

"What?"

That weird but forgettable guy with the syringe or the slightly suicidal but daring decoy guy with all the attention on him?

"It knows me. I'll be a better decoy."

I don’t know what the hell came over me when I thought that up but I needed to impress him.
Good thing he didn’t ask how she knew me.

"Way too dangerous!"

My plan seemed to work.
Either that or he thought I was completely out of my mind.
Not the worst way to attract his attention though.

"No, I've got a secret weapon: Chocolate. Preferably dark."

Secret weapon. Exactly.
It did work before, but would it work again?
Forty pound of meat and fish really do make a difference.
And while the hairy fist of doubt grabbed hold of my guts I whistled for her like for a stray dog and pointed at the chocolate bar feeling – pretty muchly – like a complete idiot…again. Absolutely nothing new in this respect then.

"Got your favourite. Yeah."

As soon as this blurb left my throat I knew how dumb that sounded.
I panicked for approx. thirty seconds about my slip. Jack showed no outward reaction to my words and so I calmed down again, especially when Myfanwy finally decided to bestow some of her attention to me. Again I defied a sudden urge to burst into song and sing ‘Myfanwy’ and threw her the chocolate instead.

"It's...err…good for your serotonin levels, If...you've... got serotonin levels."

I noticed my mistake when I watched her suspiciously picking the chocolate bar.
I didn’t take a bite and instead of taking the risk of eating the chocolate after having got a taste of my spiked meat pies she decided to flap towards Jack. Who could have blamed her? I would have probably done the same. Well… sans the flapping-bit of course.

"Whoa!”

Off they went. Flying.
Both of them.
Flying
Good thing Jack has no problem with heights.

“Whoa! IANTO!"

He does have a problem with hanging from the leg of a slightly pissed pteranodon lady though.
Now thinking back I reckon she might have got an upset stomach. No wonder she gave us a hard time.

Watching Myfanwy flying around, Captain America in tow I couldn’t help thinking *shitshitshitshit*.
And as I already mentioned before, a dead Jack was as useful to me as a tapeworm is to a cow.
I don’t know how but he managed to sedate her successfully even if I’m pretty sure that dinosaurs don’t tend to carry their central nervous cortex in their legs. But hey, it worked.

At this point Gravity decided to strike again.
Of course, if one pound of tuna steak couldn’t defy it there was no way160 pounds of muscle man would.
I should have been better prepared. Carry a self inflatable life raft or something like that. Something that would stop his fall.

As I was, as usual a little short on the usual subjects I played the life raft. Thankfully I didn’t need to be inflated, this saved time. Not that I had any other options aside from letting him drop to the ground. The only impression we would have got then would have been the impression of the massive ground on his face.

“Uurrgh.”

He didn’t seem to mind really.
He didn’t mind, my body did…especially my back.
Even if my initial plan had been to preserve his life I had a really good mind to wipe that smug grin out of his face.

"Sorry."

Sorry my arse, he seemed to enjoy this situation pretty much back then.
…And seized the opportunity to get a good grope when he rolled us out of Myfanwy’s gliding path.
She crashed exactly at our earlier position and probably would have squashed us.
Blimeys, I knew I had forgotten something.

We did it!
Whether it was out of mere relief after all the tension or simply because of the adrenaline that probably not only gushed through my body I don’t know but both of us laughed. I have no idea how I ended up on top of him but I did. My back was hurting, my legs were straining and all the other cells in my body screamed in lots of colourful words and languages at me and there I was: Lying on top of my supposed boss to be and laughing like an imbecile. And want to know what? For the first time in weeks I didn’t care.

A flood of adrenaline, sweat, relief, a temporal lack of oxygen in my brain and an overwhelming torrent of Jack’s pheromones later I suddenly found myself looking into those ridiculously blue ‘Prince Charming’ – eyes, my lips barely an inch away from his flushed and full…

"I should go."

I jumped up cursing myself for complicating this whole business and walked away trying to warm myself up to the prospect of Haggis... and Archie when Jack stopped me.

"Hey! Report for work first thing tomorrow."

I nodded, still unsure what to make out of my mixed range of emotions.
I succeeded. I got my job at Torchwood and a chance to save Lisa.
Everything I came here for.
And still I felt like crap.

"Like the suit by the way."

The next day I started to work. Wearing the same suit.
I settled in this institution and found a save hiding place for Lisa.
I found Dr. Tanizaki, an expert who was able to help her.
As the handyman I had no problems to blend in with the hub and nobody took notice.
Everything went according to plan…until the day where Suzie died… the day Gwen Cooper joined the team… until the day where everything I lived for shattered into tiny little pieces… on the day everything changed.

My name is Ianto Jones.
Welcome to my life.